Bend it Like Beckham – I’m not talking about the film but the documentary, which bends the truth in much the same way that David can curve a football (which is quite a lot, according to the four-part Netflix production).
But while the programmes show just how dedicated David can use his right-foot to put some spin on a ball, he and Victoria have used the programme to put some spin on their lives, rewriting history to paint a picture of a couple that is still hopelessly in love despite all the odds being against them.
In fact, the overwhelming premise of the programmes seems to be to make us feel sorry for poor old Becks, who has had to battle against the repugnant media which invaded his privacy at every turn, especially when they dared to reveal the self-appointed family man was having an affair with his PA. Disgusting.
Poor David, sat at home wearing an old man’s cardigan looking older than his late 40s despite, one would imagine, a bathroom cabinet of products befitting the nation’s most famous metrosexual, spends much of the documentary staring down the camera lens looking misty eyed.
And no wonder. The poor mite had been forced to endure flying football boots to the face courtesy of an angry Scottish man, football fans chanting unpleasant songs about his pop star girlfriend, being sold from the only club he had ever wanted to play for and the wrath of the nation after being sent off in the 1998 World Cup. Oh, and people laughed when he married Victoria in matching purple suits, sitting on matching purple thrones, with baby Brooklyn wearing a matching purple Stetson. How dare they!
Interspersed between the countless clips of David scoring jaw-dropping goals which clinched the match/promotion/cup (OK, I may have fast forwarded some of these) were the revelations that the gilded existence of Golden Balls isn’t as much fun as you might think.
Despite having the kind of walk-in wardrobe most people can only dream about, David is shown obsessively folding his colour-coordinated t-shirts at a specific angle, which he sighs, is ‘tiring’. He can’t blow out the couple’s candles at night (more likely to be Diptyques, than Yankee Candles let’s be honest) without cleaning them afterwards. It’s exhausting, he tells us.
He’s filmed keeping bees (because bees, and therefore David, are vital for the future of the planet), admits to liking Lego and barbecues and is proud of all his children who he assures us are not ‘little shits’. Which is a backhanded compliment if ever there was one.
To his credit Beckham has allowed others to contribute to the programmes, perhaps so it feels more like a documentary rather than the PR campaign that it is, and so we get some gentle ribbing from Gary Neville and Roy Keane, as well as the deeply profound thoughts of Man United’s kit man Albert and club secretary Kath.
Of course, for Beckham to be painted as the hero there must be a villain and you can choose between Glenn Hoddle and Alex Ferguson here. The first hung him out to dry after the World Cup catastrophe, which ultimately led to death threats. The latter is depicted as turning on, and casting out, the boy who he’d raised like a son.
Couple all of this with the glaring omissions such as his £150m deal with Qatar, the fact that Victoria has only eaten steamed fish and vegetables for around 30 years (which may be the reason she never smiles), and his sheer desperation for a Knighthood and we’re simply left with a PR masterclass in Brand Beckham – presumably designed to help him finally clinch that elusive gong.
Just as the pair continually reinvented themselves in the nineties – through the power of the hairdresser’s scissors alone – these programmes are an exercise in cleaning and auditing the Beckham’s public image, refreshing perceptions and elevating their profiles again.
In fact it comes as no surprise to learn that David parted ways with his publicist in July last year, while Victoria hired a new PR firm in September last year to look after her beauty businesses.
Ultimately all we’re left with is a carefully curated PR exercise in the guise of being candid, open and honest. Because if David and Victoria know anything, it’s that Brand Beckham must keep reinventing itself in order to survive.
